Finding Light After Darkness: My Postpartum Journey and Navigating Birth Trauma
Did you truly prepare for postpartum or did you feel blindsided? Did your traumatic birth experience drastically affect the way your fourth trimester unfolded?
If you’ve been wondering what postpartum can possibly look like, especially after birth trauma, this episode is for you!
In this episode, we dive into the following:
My personal postpartum journey after birth trauma
How I navigated physical healing
Some clear signs of postpartum mood disorders that I ignored
…and so much more!
Preparing for Postpartum is Just as Important as Preparing for Pregnancy and Birth
During my first pregnancy, I honestly didn’t prepare much at all for postpartum other than decorating a nursery, picking out baby clothes, and researching all the best baby gear. This seems to be the case for most first-time moms, especially. We spend so much time preparing for pregnancy and birth but spend all the time preparing for the baby and not ourselves or other family members. And now, after going through it twice, I can confidently say that everyone should be preparing for postpartum just as much as pregnancy and birth, if not more.
Most of the moms I talk to say that they were completely unprepared and blindsided by the fourth trimester and I really want to work to help change that. Other than being semi-aware of the surface-level aspects of postpartum, I really had no idea what to expect or to prepare for. And I definitely did not prepare for how postpartum could look after a c-section. So, once I ended up with a c-section and a traumatic birth experience, everything I thought I knew about postpartum just went out the window.
As far as physical healing, my incision actually healed up beautifully and I never had issues. But I did have extreme pelvic and abdominal pain for a long period of time. I was hesitant to do any form of physical activity other than walking because of how much pain I was having in my core around my incision. And I also had intense pain with sex as well no matter what we did to help the issue. So, around 6 months postpartum I finally went to see a pelvic floor therapist and it was a game changer. I had never even heard of a pelvic floor physical therapist before that point but I am so happy I went. After several months working with my PT (who was absolutely amazing by the way) all of my issues were resolved and I finally felt comfortable again and started getting my strength back.
My mental and emotional healing was a whole different story. The impact that my birth experience had on me was much more severe than I wanted to admit. I experienced what most would refer to as the baby blues but it continued and only got worse. I don’t remember really communicating that to people or if my family and friends noticed, but I noticed and didn’t do anything about it for a long time.
The first emotions I felt were sadness, guilt, shame, and anger.
I was sad that I did not get the birth experience that I had wanted and that my son didn’t get to have a beautiful birth.
I felt guilty that I had not made different choices or that I didn’t prepare enough so I felt like it was my fault.
I felt ashamed that I wasn’t able to birth unmedicated and that my body wasn’t able to push my baby out.
I felt angry. Angry at myself for “letting” it happen and honestly I went through a period of anger towards my son. I know that sounds awful but I am all about being open and honest here and not shying away from the dark moments. I was so angry at him because he was in a bad position that didn’t allow him to come out. I understand that anger was completely irrational. A baby clearly cannot control that and he didn’t choose to make the birth difficult, but it’s how I felt in the moment.
Later my emotions started developing into PTSD, anxiety, and rage.
I had very intense flashbacks and nightmares about my birth experience. I would wake up in a panic and just hold my son and cry. I would hear or see other people’s birth stories and my heart would start to race and I would sweat and feel intense jealousy towards them.
I spent hours staring at my son making sure he was breathing. And I had so much anxiety about purchasing items for him and I couldn’t make decisions. I literally spent hours on hours researching the right high chair for when he started eating and was so scared that if I made the wrong choice that he would choke and die.
I would also get extremely over stimulated and flustered like I was having a hot flash either when there was too much noise or my son was really crying. I would get built up energy and would have to walk away and scream into a pillow or hit/throw something. There was one time I was in line at a drive-thru and my son started crying really hard and nothing I did calmed him. So then I started crying and I literally got out of my car and had the row of cars behind me back up so I could get out of line and then both my son and I ugly cried the entire way home.
I had really bad anxiety because of social media. I followed a lot of mom accounts and there were several I followed that were dealing with terminally ill children or they had lost a child or they were widows and I was in a constant state of thinking my son or my husband were going to get sick or die. So, around 6 months postpartum I completely got rid of all social media. Like I deleted all of my accounts, erased everything. And that was very very helpful. I did that for about 4 months and then slowly started using it again once I was in a better head space.
I really had to work on processing the entirety of my birth experience. I went and got all of my hospital and nurse notes from my entire pregnancy and birth. I read through every bit of it which really helped me understand everything that happened and get the full picture. I highly recommend that for anyone that may have had a difficult birth, honestly even if you didn’t. Seeing all the detail can really help.
My husband and I also worked on navigating the changes in our relationship and worked on ways to more effectively communicate with each other about what we were feeling and needing. And honestly, I feel like all of our struggles made our relationship so much stronger because we were forced to work together to learn and heal.
Despite everything I went through postpartum, my son and I actually bonded very easily and very well. I know some women say they have a lot of issues bonding with their babies after a c-section and sometimes even after vaginal births but that was not the case for me. I feel like the traumatic experience we went through together brought us closer and helped us bond more which I am so thankful for.
Thank you so much for being here!
If you’re loving the show and the blogs, I’d appreciate it if you would rate or review wherever you listen to podcasts. After you review the show, take a screenshot and upload it here and then I’ll send you a free gift as a thank you.
Don’t forget to subscribe or follow so you never miss an episode!
